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Thursday

Feels like I have lost momentum with my blog after missing a day yesterday. But here we go. Woke up and had toast and ham for breakfast and a cup of coffee. Weird dream last night. I was at Buckingham Palace and William and Kate were getting married. I was living at the palace and there was a trap door in my area which I thought lead to the dining room. There were no stairs, and I dangled out of the trap door, above William and Kate as they were getting married. I saw myself from the crowds perspective. A lot of the people there thought I had done it deliberately, but the Queen believed that I had done it accidentally. An American man spoke out of turn at the ceremony, and the Queen said under her breathe, ‘See what I have to put up with.’ Which was nice because it felt like she saw me as an equal and not a problem like the American man. It was nice living at the palace and I think I was allowed to stay their for as long as I liked.

Phillip arrived at around 2pm. We went to Sainsburys to do some food shopping, and then to Lidls for some beer and cider for me, and some toilet rolls which are cheaper there.

Ash suggested we watch Avatar with her and her boyfriend tomorrow. And so we decided to go and see the new Queen film Bohemian Rhapsody today rather than tomorrow. The film was fantastic. I was transfixed by it and couldn’t look away. The sound was incredible. I’ve heard about the story of Queen from Phillip but didn’t really get it. The film took the story very well and I think Freddie would have loved it.

I got Queens greatest hits CDs when I was at college and listened to it a lot, so it always reminds me of that time. I made a compilation CD for my boyfriend at the time and included ‘You’re my best friend’ on it.

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Monday

Stayed awake last night because I had some heart palpitations. They are very short, but make me want to get up, so that I feel more normal. Emily called me at about 1pm and I was tired and said I wouldn’t be coming round. Called a support worker to say about last night but couldn’t get through. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Went for a walk in the park listening to Lily Alone. The narrator is an 11 year old girl who has to look after her much younger siblings when their mother goes away on holiday with a new man. My brother and I were also left alone in the house at a young age. I think I was about 8 when it first started happening, though just for a few hours until my parents came home from work, I think. It later became much more difficult. They were away for longer hours, and my brother treated me badly and I couldn’t make myself understood. I think my Mum feels that siblings fighting is natural, but she does regret leaving us on our own when we were small. But it was when we were older that it became a bigger problem for me. I’m interested in Lily’s story and like her character.

Went over to Emily’s. Sat out in the garden and smoked rollies with her. We got icecreams from the icecream van. I chose an oyster with a flake, and how I ate it amused Emily greatly.

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We sang bits of the Baby Shark song and wondered about the signs. I brought a chicken korma ready meal with me and had it at the kitchen table. Emily wanted me to eat it when they were having their chip shop chips and sausages, but put it in the microwave early, telling Gary to hurry up. I ate before them. Gary pointed out that I could always share it with the dog if I wanted to eat with someone. Which reminds me, I have a new joke from the book –

‘A man goes to a travel agent to book his summer holiday. ‘Last year you sold me a holiday to Bermuda and my wife got pregnant,’ says the man. ‘The year before it was Monte Carlo and my wife got pregnant again. And the year before it was Hong Kong and my wife got pregnant there as well.’ ‘I see,’ says the clerk ‘and what do you have in mind this year?’ ‘Somewhere cheaper,’ says the man ‘so she can come with me for a change.’

Emily, one of the sons and I found that one funny. I like how it works, because it makes you assume there is a connection that doesn’t exist. I think you could use it as an illustration of that type of joke because it’s so clear.

In the garden Emily watched the planes with utter fascination. I think she has spent so long in her room that the outside world is new to her again.

Drew for half an hour when I got in and then chatted to Phillip. He has to be up early tomorrow to get his Dad from the airport.

Here are my photos from today –

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And my drawing from this evening using the scented gel pens –

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And some a squirrel in the park –

 

 

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Sunday

My alarm woke me at 10am giving me some time to wake up before my antipsychotic jab. It was nice to see the support worker again. She was kind to me when I was delusional. There was so much going on in my mind but it was clear she was on my side. I let her in when I hadn’t let the others in. She sat crosslegged on the floor, asking if I wanted anything from the shop. I thought and asked for some bread, a pastie and a carton of ice coffee. Seems a long time ago now.

I had toast and honey for breakfast. Went for a walk around the park, listening to Lily Alone and taking photos. It was lovely and sunny today and lots of people were out walking their dogs. Went to the shop and got a bottle of coke, a sparkling strawberry drink and a Lambrini. A little black poodle jumped up at me as I was leaving the park. His owner apologised and said the dog was friendly. When I was unwell dog owners kept reassuring me that their dogs were. I must have looked nervous walking round and they assumed it was because of their dogs. I didn’t mind them thinking that. Sometimes I found it funny.

When I got in I had a tuna sandwich. Alex joined me in the kitchen and we chatted whilst he ate his noodles and sweet chilli sauce. He said he buys a lot of his clothes in Lidl and they last. He told me a story about smuggling matches under an armband. I didn’t like it but didn’t let on.

He said smoking helps him with his Restlessness. I said it’s been proven to help. Smoking is associated with lower levels of antipsychotic induced akathisia (restlessness). He told me about his family and a bit about a past relationship, whilst we smoked out in the garden. When he had finished he tipped the contents of his ashtray into the rusty barbecue, and found a Malibu coconut cup in the there. I wondered what it’s story was. His ashtray said ‘Smoking is permitted’.

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Had bacon pasta for dinner and some yoghurt and honey. Here’s my photos from today –

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Saturday

Watched Desperate Housewives last night. Victor gets washed up on the beach, alive. Pretends not to remember but remembers all. I had a feeling I was wrong about him dying. Really enjoying the series the third time round.

Watched Phillip’s favourite gig Queen at Live Aid, which was transcendentally amazing and interwoven with Phillip’s commentary of Queen Facts. I’m interested in them, but I have a feeling that if I wasn’t I would still be receiving the same information. Like the motor racing facts today for instance. He was interested in the crowd and said ‘That’s power. In a good way.’

When we woke up I looked for a film that we hadn’t watched together yet, and that was funny because he prefers funny films. I chose Risky Business. I really enjoyed it and so did Phillip. It’s so nice to be able to watch films easily without feeling Restlessness.

Then as we are both Red Dwarf fans, we watched some together for the first time, which was nice. Phillip is grossed out by Lister’s antics. I just remember having a schoolgirl crush on him and idealising him no matter what he did. I think Phillips response is more what the writer was going for. I used to imagine having curry for breakfast with him and having a wonderful time. I later learned that Craig Charles (Lister) is a poet and I felt ‘Ah, that explains it.’ Though I never normally think in such a simplistic way. I’ve never read his poems for some reason. Lister is a poet in disguise, though maybe being a poet is always a disguise in one way or another.

After laying in bed all day Phillip wanted a chip butty. So I used the oven today for the first time in a long time. Made a salad too and we watched some motor racing whilst we ate. I was thinking it was bad that he didn’t check that that was okay, and as the thought occurred to me he said ‘You don’t mind that we are watching this, do you?’. So I said it was okay. The boredom of it let my mind wander and I didn’t mind at all really. Just wanted him to acknowledge that it wasn’t my thing and he did. Watched a little more Red Dwarf and then it was time for him to go home.

I didn’t take any photos today so here is a photo of my curtains –

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When I was delusional I thought they had been designed especially for me. In the curtains I saw many things including the book cover of The Beach by Alex Garland.

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I saw many things including the slats of a bunk bed I had as a child, chips, and film tape. I had the idea that it meant ‘cutting the film’ somewhere in the novel so that the novel’s tragic ending wouldn’t be reached. I felt it represented war. In details I saw a lion and a snake. When I started hallucinating I saw many things as if projected onto the curtains and the waves I saw appeared to be moving.

I felt that even if the world was really heading toward an awful future, a small island might be preserved where people could live a better life and be creative. I felt that good people in power had diminishing hope, but didn’t want me to be the same way. They wanted me to imagine a society on an island, and my belief in that place would be linked to Alex Garland’s novel. It was a distant and dreamlike delusion.

A few times I have thought it would be nice to have different curtains now. It’s not important to me though.

 

 

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Friday

Woke up had some toast and honey and a cuppa tea. Checked my phone and went back to bed feeling cosy. Fell back to sleep for a while, when I woke I wanted to watch a film. Ash lent me Avatar, but after a quick search it dawned on me I gave it back to her before I watched it.

I decided to watch Tim Minchin’s Ready For This. Phillip gave it 5 minutes before putting his headphones back on. I really enjoyed it though I didn’t laugh. My brother has memorised and sings some of the songs. He prides himself in being able to sing the fast bits. ‘If I didn’t have you’ and ‘Canvas bags’ especially remind me of him. He once got his Kindle signed by Tim Minchin and there’s a photo of them grinning together. Realised I’ve been mispronouncing his name as Mitchin probably because Mitch sounds like a comedian because of David Mitchell.

I remember thinking I enjoy it more musically than I find it funny. I guess that’s still true, but I still find him very funny. I think I was thinking of Shelter From The Storm yesterday because the Storm story on the DVD was in the back of my mind. I was getting ready for it! Completely forgot that there’s a surprise dancing bear with my name.

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Went for a walk and took some photos. Phillip didn’t want to walk and Alex wasn’t in. I always knock on his door but he always seems to be out. Did some more food shopping, which I probably didn’t need to do, but it made my day seem a bit more purposeful.

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Listened to Lily Alone which is really good. It’s nice to listen an audiobook by an author I’m very familiar with. I thought the, oh. Okay I was just going to say I thought the reader had a real respect for Jacqueline Wilson’s style. Checked the box to name the reader and… it’s the lady herself! Well, you can see what I’m saying is true. She had great insight!

Phillip has been watching films today. He wanted to go out to Costa’s (strawberry frappe), KFC (Twister) and Tescos (icecream for the strawberrys I got). I went along too for the drive. Stayed in the car listening to Heart. The reception got better as we went over the hill. Ash might be back because her window is open. Had the strawberries with icecream, yoghurt and sugar. I have that for dessert at my parents and it was nice.

Phillips been telling me about glandular fever which he had in his early twenties and has just started watching another film. Think I’ll watch Desperate Housewives. Gabby has just knocked Victor overboard for the second and fatal time.

Here are my photos from my walk –

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Thursday

Woke up around midday. Phillip was working on the church profile. Had toast and marmite for breakfast and a cup of tea. We were a little late getting to Emily’s and Phillip got a strawberry frappe from Costa.

Emily had had her hair plaited for her in a french braid, and was wearing a new white jumper with silver butterflies sparkling on it. Not her usual look and it suited her. We sat out in the garden with her. She wanted to try the drink so I got a little mug and a spoon as they didn’t have straws. She really liked it and asked Phillip to bring her one next time we visit. Phillip chatted to Anne about dogs being pack animals, smoking and the time his Mum visited him in hospital and fell down the stairs.

When she went in I got my joke book out and Phillip read from it, selecting the insults category by flipping at random through the book. When Gary was introduced he introduced Emily as a c*** which is the sort of thing they always do. Phillip said ‘I know that.’ Gary seemed to like it that Phillip was reading insult jokes because he tried telling his own jokes a few times in passing. Next Phillip chose battle of the sexes jokes and blonde jokes. He found them really funny when he was reading them, and Emily really enjoyed it too. I had a beer and Emily had the pear cider I brought her. I got it wrong, she is allowed to drink there. They just didn’t like it when she bought a lot, so she gave them to me that time. On her painkillers she could have one beer and they made sure it was only one. We left when it got chilly. I had a nice time.

Went for a walk in the park and took some photos. Phillip wanted to cook gammon, egg and chips so we stopped off at the shop. Watched a bit of Big Bang Theory until the kitchen was free. I played Bob Dylan songs whilst Phillip cooked. My favourite is Shelter From The Storm.

The food was nice. Washed up listening to The Doors. Phillip is looking forward to new Big Bang Theory tonight.

Here are my photos from the walk –

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Wednesday

Watched an Oasis gig last night. I enjoyed it. I think most musicians don’t like Oasis and I find that interesting. I’ve heard their music described as ‘beery ballards’ and I don’t think that’s fair. It was good to be reminded of songs I used to listen to.

Woke up at 10.30am. Phillip called just after my alarm and was already here. I chose my widest shoes for Emily’s swollen foot and we went over to hers. Phillip stayed in the car and we went into the health centre. I read joke’s from the Tony Robinson history joke book. Emily tried reading some of it out loud, breaking down the words. Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sat on the deck. What do cats eat for breakfast? Museli or Mice Krispies. It kept us amused in the waiting room. I went in with her for her blood test because she said she was scared. She looked at me in an intense way as the needle went in. It reminded me a bit of her severe asthma attack expression because she stared. I thought she would look right away from it, not at me. I think it helped that I was there. The nurse thought I was her support worker, though perhaps she was joking. She had her jab shortly afterwards then we were back in the car. She invited me and Phillip over for a cuppa but Phillip was tired and wanted to get back.

After we dropped her off he said that he likes being around dogs that he knows are well trained, but not if they aren’t. He is worried about strange dogs biting him or jumping up. I assured him that Molly posed no threat, doesn’t jump up. Molly hobbles around. I don’t think she could jump up if she tried. I said that and then realised that’s not very reassuring, the point is she’s a gentle dog. This evening he agreed to go over there tomorrow so I think it was more that he was tired.

We both fell asleep when we got in. When we woke up we went for a walk around the park. Took photos and filmed squirrels. Phillip became a squirrel spotter and knew to approach them quietly. Here’s my video –

He told me that yew trees are the oldest in Britain, saying that it’s because they grow in church yards. I’m not so sure about the second bit. A tree that can grow really old, will sometimes grow really old anywhere. The few protected in churchyards ought not to determine the fact. I suspect it’s Christian Chinese whispers.

Drew for half an hour when I got in. I thought Phillip would detect my scented pens but he did not. Then we went to the new Lidel, and then Sainsbury’s to get all the ingredients for a Hairy Dieters jalfrezi. In Lidel Phillip accidentally smashed a cumin spice. Glass and spice scattered everywhere. He says he is stupid and useless a lot but didn’t say it on this occasion.

Phillip has made the curry with his Mum a few times, and they put portions in freezer bags. I liked it that his mum had put colour coded tabs throughout the book. I sat in the kitchen whilst he cooked, and then we watched a bit of Grand Designs. The curry was nice. I finished my beer and then I went up to write this.

I’m looking forward to seeing Emily tomorrow. Gary likes intimidating people a bit, and I hope he doesn’t make Phillip uncomfortable.

Here are my photos from today –

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And my drawing from this evening –

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Monday

Woke up to a fire alarm test at 1pm. Sleepy but remembered I said I might visit Emily. Gave her a call to see if she wanted me to bring a film and some CDs. She said the dog barks and whines when she goes to her room, so not to bring any. Took my joke book, watercolours, Rustlers burger and Mentos.

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Had a nice time with Emily. We stayed out in the garden most of the time. Her ankle looks very swollen, but she says the swelling has gone down since yesterday. She has bad period pain and pain from her ankle, but was fairly chirpy with it and glad to see me. I made her bed for her which she appreciated. Read my joke book in the garden. Emily chose twin jokes. Well, I used to be a twin. My mother has a photo of me when I was two. Emily and I found that one really funny, but maybe because of our mental health problems. Katie and later Philip didn’t find it very funny at all. In a way that’s nice because it’s a joke I can just remind Emily of.

Emily chose chat up lines and Katie shared two she knew, the heaven one and the alphabet one. A new one from the book –

‘Why don’t we break away from all this and lodge with my fleas in the hills – I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.’ – Groucho Marx

Katie wondered if anyone actually used chat up lines and Emily said a boy really said the ‘Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?’ to her and she had never heard it before. Aw.

When it got chilly we went indoors and I painted. She said that Katie (one of the daughters) lesbian friends is amazingly beautiful and I must stay until she arrives to see for myself. Katie found this kind of talk a bit awkward especially after Emily tried flirting with her, and said ‘All my friends are beautiful.’, which was an elegant solution.

Stopped off at the shop on the way back and got some ready meals, bread and a Lambrini.

Drew for a bit when I got in. I’m trying to remember how I felt using coloured fineliners whilst at uni, listening to the radio in my room, or drawing along with a book. A man is singing ‘Cold, Cold Heart’ on the radio. I’ve only heard Norah Jones’s version before. I love that song.

Had a sweet and sour chicken with rice and chatted to Alex who was off to his Mum’s for dinner. He said that unfortunately his Dad would be there too and that that ruins it a bit. He was writing down appointments in a diary which seemed old fashioned to me. Though at uni it was the norm, staff use appointment diaries all the time, and my parents believe in the power of Filofax. It’s just been a long time since I wrote down appointments in a diary.

Ash’s sore throat is glandular fever. She’s back from hospital and is staying at her boyfriend’s parents for a week whilst she recovers. She says it is contagious. Hope she feels better soon.

Chatted to Phillip for half an hour this evening. He is nearly done with his church writing but has given himself backache because he sat on his bed to type at his computer rather than the chair. When I asked why he said it was because he is stupid. Oh. Hope he feels better soon.

Here’s my watercolour colouring in –

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And a drawing from this evening –

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Sunday

Last night watched Desperate Housewives and some of an Orbital gig on the TV whilst Phillip watched a film on his Ipad. Still into DH and the Orbital gig was great. I feel like a true fan now because I know lots of songs from two albums! I listened to Wonky when I was writing my newspaper blog a few years ago.

At night I found ‘Change your life in 7 days’ hypnosis by Paul Mckenna on Youtube. I listened to it when I was a teenager and found it really worked. It was amazing to listen again. I remember it well. Listened to some Underworld afterwards.

I dreamt I was lost at school, looking after Julia’s baby Alfie as a newborn. When I woke up I thought I had been lucid dreaming. I felt that I was avoiding phoning Julia in my dream because I would wake up. I’m not sure that I’ve experienced it before. I think it’s because I listened to the hypnosis again after all this time. Interesting.

Listened to Irish Ballads as I got ready for my day. Marmite crumpets for breakfast a bit underdone because they were starting to burn on top. The rain stopped and we went out for a walk to Costa. It was cold and windy in a nice way. Ate a Mento. Took some photos. When we got to Costa we found they were shut early.

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Phillip wanted to go to the other Costa, but a member of staff came out to tell us it was shut too just in case we were heading that way, which was kind of him. Decided to go to Mc Donalds. I had a large tea and Phillip had a mocha frappe. He talked about ages of getting served. He said 14 year olds can drink wine in restaurants if accompanied by an adult. I thought it was 16 but didn’t say so. I’ve just Googled it and I was right.

I’m glad the rain stopped and we got out for a walk. Filmed the Nissan flags flying in the wind. Here they are –

When we got in I showed Phillip my Amazon library of TV and Film. He chose to watch New Tricks! I watched two episodes and he watched three. Apart from once with my Dad and once with Emily, I’ve never watched it with anyone and it was really nice.

Emily called to say Ash is staying in hospital. She sounded really poorly with a sore throat last time I spoke to her. I hope she feels better soon.

The couple Emily is staying with don’t let her drink, but they are away at the moment. Emily decided to drink a small bottle of vodka with coke, collapsed in the garden and sprained her ankle. So shes been in hospital too. Poor Emily. She’s invited me over tomorrow. I haven’t promised but I’ll probably go round to see her.

Had some pasta and trifle for dinner. Phillip left this evening after finishing off the trifle.

Here’s my photos from our walk –

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Had this song in my head today –

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Saturday

Watched another two episodes of Desperate Housewives last night. One on my phone whilst Phillip slept. I’ve seen them twice before and I’m getting more into the plot now. Really enjoying it, it’s a great series.

I’ve started playing Go on my phone, and wondered what my rating is now. I used to be quite good but haven’t played in a long time.

Had interesting dreams again and wanted to stay in them so slept longer. Phillip started to work on something he is writing for the church and I set out to the park. As I was leaving Alex was arriving back and said he does a lot of walking and will walk with me next time. Walked twice round, photographing the graffiti in the tennis court and made a first attempt at filming the squirrels. Here they are –

Phillip didn’t have everything he needed on his computer to write, and when I got back he had started defragmenting. I suggested we go downstairs and chat to Alex. Sat in the lounge. Phillip and Alex had Appletizer and I had a cup of tea. Alex talked a lot about everything he has been though. When Phillip mentioned the aeroplane documentary he watched last night, Alex thought that his life was like that. He said he kept examining the wreckage and tried to make the design better each time. I thought it was from the heart, and put his story into a different context. Phillip carried on talking about the planes, and I wondered about what Alex had said.

Alex told some jokes without knowing about my book.

■ What’s the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can’t hit while the other hoots but can’t shit.

He didn’t say the last word, and I was pleased with how quickly I got it. I can be very slow sometimes.

Later on Phillip choose sport jokes from the book.

■ A man and his wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. ‘I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.’ says the man. ‘Watch them!’ says his wife. ‘You already know how to play volleyball’.

He found it much funnier than me. I’m having fun with my joke book. We were going to go to the Indian restaurant but the queue was long, so we went to Sainsbury’s to get a curry. I already had one, but then found it had possibly been opened before or Phillip accidentally had opened it. Didn’t know so threw it away. I had bacon pasta with a samosa and some naan bread, whilst we watched Big Bang Theory. There’s a trifle for dessert but I’m full.

Here’s my photos from my walk –

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