Monday

Had a dream including lip art. A French flag and a bunny’s mouth. And I saw shoes being polished in different unusual colours. I think it’s because when I was unwell I bought some dark, plum lipstick and never wore it. I tried it on before my date and took it off again. I thought it looked nice when I was smiling, but odd when I wasn’t. I woke up thinking about Airbourne Unicorn, expensive vegan lipstick in a holographic and lilac casing. A friend became obsessed with it at college and I spent time browsing the site. Enjoying the colour names as I do with Crayola, and eventually buying one. To feel that I was connected with her.

Interesting that Emily has given me a unicorn duvet which matches hers to feel connected with me. She called me last night to say she has a crush on me and doesn’t want to see me for a while. I’m sorry about this. She said I’m not her usual type. I said ‘I’m not blonde.’ She wistfully replies ‘No, but you act it.’ Oh dear. She says she’ll get over it and I’m more like a sister to her. She thinks the crush has happened because she feels emotionally alone. I was impressed that she was able to articulate that and surprised that she feels the distance between her and the family she’s staying with. In many ways they seem like her kind of people, but maybe that’s the problem. A lot of joke name calling can take the edge off a lonely life, but it doesn’t stop it being lonely. It’s more like an illusion of connection and trust which needs to be backed up by meaningful discussion or it lives in an uneasy void. Emotionally alone. I suppose I should be happy that I am a source of relief from that, but unfortunately it’s too much contrast and she now has this sodding crush.

Woke up late and made myself go for a walk to the shop before the light went. Listened to French disco music with English lyrics, which was silly and uplifting. Did food shopping including bananas, custard and cookies, to relive my dessert at Sprinkles. Okay so it’s not cookie dough, but I thought I could crush the cookies and mix them in.

When I got in I had a bowl of emoticon cinnamon cereal with banana slices. It was amazing and I remembered Adam eating his breakfast last night (morning there) on FB video chat.

I was thinking that it’s a pity three people now have crushes on me and it’s interfering with friendships I’ve tried to make. Then Ben, one of these people, messaged me and wanted me to lend him a tenner so he could get a taxi over. I said okay and soon he was here.

Housemate Joe joined us in the lounge and talked about video games. I mentioned Rollercoaster Tycoon and he had played it as a kid too. Said he built an epic rollercoaster and was feeling mean one day so removed a piece of track. Something I never tried, but there were fatalities when I played too. I loved playing it so much. A few years ago, when I worked at Subway and was unwell, I relived the experience. Played it after work and for a long while found it almost as enjoyable as I had done as a child.

Joe is happy. He’s got a job in Burger King after being on benefits for 2 years. They have just given him his uniform shoes. It reminded me of my dream. What were those shiny shoes like? How many colours of shoe polish are there really? One pair were glossy plum I think.

Ben had split up with Mazy. He felt that he didn’t have the right mood to be in a relationship. He says she’s been upset about it. He seemed a bit low generally. He wants to go back to being in supported housing. He looked through my film collection and chose The 40 Year Old Virgin, but then decided to go home before watching it. Played some of the Spanish music Jane shared with me.

https://youtu.be/-XZud3y0aLI

Contacted Jane to ask who the other artist we listened to was, and she recommended this album by him, which I listened to in its entirety, under the unicorn duvet in the lounge. Felt peaceful. As nice to not understand the lyrics, as it was to have Jane translate them for me. One sense heightened for the lack of the other.

https://youtu.be/bEKFrJVyM40

Then I listened to Ron Sexsmiths latest uploads and I felt like he was keeping me company, after being in a foreign country with the other songs.

Had a cheese and tomato salad with the one pound balsamic vinegar which startled me in Tescos earlier. Then I ate my cottage pie carefully, determined not to get any on my duvet, and succeeded.

A nice evening. I’ve been writing to people online, and getting to know them. Then retired to my room to Mellow Magic and a cuppa. Chatted to Emily. Sophie answered the phone, which confused me for a moment. Emily was fine, but all I had to talk about was Ben’s visit. Emily and Ben hate each other. The police were involved in one of their disagreements.

Talked about Christmas. Emily says she knows I’ll be lonely if I spend it alone. She suggested that I ask Simon if I can go to his. Anne chirped in that he can only say no! And so I thought about it. It would be fun to be around a cute boy at Christmas. He is chatty and his family is probably nice. I might ask him. And he’ll probably say no! That’ll save me from figuring out the train journey! Anyway it made me laugh and helped me think of Christmas in a new way. In the other imagined scenarios there would be no one having me as their focus, and that sometimes leaves me feeling a little unanchored and lost. I’ve missed out on so much socialising because I’ve been mentally ill for so long, and at heart I’m still a bit of a baby about it. Maybe things are different now, and I’m just remembering how things have been in the past. It could be fun. Or just fun to think of. It could be awkward Peep Show style!

Read up a bit about lack of ambition online and some people had a way of putting a really positive spin on it, which made me smile. There are advantages to it as well. One person said that to want to live counts as an ambition. I realised it is true.

Another thing that I decided by myself is that I want to help people I cross paths with. I do this already, and I think that counts as an ambition too. Ben came to visit me today because he felt low, which was a boost to my self esteem.

Everybody’s Talking At Me has just come on the radio. Skipping over the ocean like a stone.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

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