Woke up late. Quiet day. Watched a bit of two films with Susan downstairs, wrapped in a blanket.
Had a little look through some of the notebooks I wrote when I was unwell. Here are some of the delusions I had in hospital which I wrote down when I realised they weren’t true.
Thought my room had been covered in thousands of barely visible little pictures made from bobbles in the paint. I was told the work had taken weeks and it was because a singer thought it was the only way of reaching me. He didn’t want to get closer than that because he thought I was a bad person in some way.
Thought I was being spied on through every metallic surface in the room.
I also believed that the wood grain had been designed for me to include special pictures. I thought a computer programme had been made to help with the design process and to make it appear more realistic.
I thought someone had been going into my room and arranging and folding my clothes to look like animals and faces. This started shortly before I was sectioned and continued well into my stay at the first hospital.
Thought I was surrounded by actors who had studied people I knew well. I thought I didn’t respond in the way people had hoped and now these skilled actors didn’t have much to do, so they were bored and annoyed, thinking I wasn’t worth all the effort they had put it.
I had written it down at night and wanted someone to read it straight away. A member of staff sat down and read it. Didn’t say much but it helped. I felt like the delusions were less likely to come back if I shared them. I was a bit shocked to find that the things I had been thinking were untrue. I stopped believing that my room was a set up when in the next hospital my room was identical. There would be no point in that, as far as I could see.
I realised that an old lady I worked in a factory with in my twenties had made contact with me a year ago. I wrote back to her and she was delighted. She has a scientific interest in minerals and paints landscapes too. She’s now housebound with MS but says she’s doing okay. She’s invited me over and I’m hoping to visit her soon. We had the job of straightening the labels on 3 in 1 oil.
I can hardly remember visiting her before but I remember she was kind and interesting and played me a song called ‘White Bird’.
Here’s two drawings from today –