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Wednesday

I’m writing on my IPhone today. Maybe that’s a good way to keep the blog going.

Woke up at 1pm to the fire alarm test. Support staff Karen commented that every time she visits I’m still in my nightie. Think she thinks I’m lazy. I’m not really, I just wake up late.

Anthea came round and I chatted to her in the kitchen. She says people are normally on antipsychotics for at least 2 years and that gives the best results. I’ve been wondering about a lower dose, but apparently there isn’t much range in the dose they give people these days anyway.

She left saying what a nice day it is outside and I decided that I would go out today.

Called the doctors to arrange blood test for tomorrow. Palpitations are possibly caused by my thyroid gland so need the test to check. For breakfast had some of the jalfrezi that Philip made, whilst waiting on the phone for the job centre. Will made a rare appearance to ask for Rizlas (fag papers as he calls them) and I got through to JCP at the same time. I’m not on PIP like I thought so perhaps I won’t be able to get a bus pass after all.

Went for a walk into town listening to Lily Alone. Went to the charity shops. I had a dream last night about swimming to an island and finding marshy land around the coast. There was a jigsaw puzzle and a hairdresser also in the dream though I can’t remember what the context was. Maybe I should write dreams down upon waking. Anyway I wondered about jigsaw puzzles but I don’t think I would be able to enjoy or complete it. Found an Angelina Ballerina children’s Uno for a pound and bought it in the hopes of getting Emily to play. She’s quick with numbers though she can’t read much. Or maybe I’ll use the mice illustrations as inspiration.

Went to the library and got a couple more joke books to share with Emily. I remember how the library used to feel to me, a universe of possibility. Now I read with less interest for shorter amounts of time, it has a different feel to it. But that’s okay. Got the bus back.

Had a little chat with Susan when I got in and had a mircowave pizza and a cider. After she left for her nighttime walk I decided to do something about the horrible, very bright bare lightbulb that’s been bugging me ever since I moved in. Took down the lampshade in my room – I can always use the small light. It was difficult to put on and it’s actually sort of balanced there but I’m quite pleased with the result. I find it very weird that no one else in the house seems bothered by it at all.

Had a bubble bath and listened to a Thriller instrumental. Set my alarm for tomorrow’s blood test.

Here’s some photos –

A sunset in the park from a couple of days ago.

Crane and knitted poppies from today.

And a drawing from yesterday.

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Saturday

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Woke up at 1pm. Feeling okay. I split up with Phillip a couple of days ago. He was expecting me to break up with him soon, so at least it wasn’t a complete surprise. Had a ham sandwich for breakfast. Then I went for a walk in the park listening to Lily Alone. I’m really enjoying the story. Lily is 11 years old and has to look after her three young siblings whilst her mother is on holiday. She is doing a very good job of being a mother to them, but it’s all getting too much for her. One of the little ones offered to be the mother instead for a change and she has a cuddle with her. It’s sad that children are left to fend for themselves at such a young age. I like it that the novel is realistic and also includes the children’s imaginary worlds.

Emily called and I went over there. We had a Lidl dark fruits cider and she put S Club 7 on, which I sang along to a bit. Did a bit of colouring in. Went downstairs where two of the kids were playing at ‘kicking’ each other. They had carved some pumpkins which looked cool and Luke showed me how to turn the flash off on my Iphone so I could take a photo of them.

Emily has a cold and her sprained ankle is healing now. She was fine. Luke gave us both a doughnut which was nice. The children’s mother was dressed up for Halloween with a latex wound across her neck, tit tape holding her top on, and bat like wings. She had a long flowery tattoo snaking up her leg. She was reassuring her children that mummy is still mummy and boasting that she never has to buy drinks when she is out. I don’t think that’s anything to boast about, but she had gone to a lot of effort to dress up, and maybe the free drinks were the main motivation to. Or it’s a joke that I don’t get maybe.

Had some rollies in the garden with Emily. Rolling my own for a change, so I don’t catch her cold. Molly the dog now has one of Emily’s horse blankets. Got a taxi back.

Had a ham and pineapple pizza for dinner and watched a bit of a history documentary. Had natural yoghurt and a fruit medley for pudding.

I called Phillip before I went to Emily’s. He said he is struggling but will be okay. Chatted a bit about what my parents are doing in Australia. Emily thinks I shouldn’t call him too often or he might think I want to get back together with him. Probably she’s right but we only chatted for 10 minutes today and I think it was the right thing to do, to show that I care about how he is.

Here’s a doodle from a couple of days ago –

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Thursday

Feels like I have lost momentum with my blog after missing a day yesterday. But here we go. Woke up and had toast and ham for breakfast and a cup of coffee. Weird dream last night. I was at Buckingham Palace and William and Kate were getting married. I was living at the palace and there was a trap door in my area which I thought lead to the dining room. There were no stairs, and I dangled out of the trap door, above William and Kate as they were getting married. I saw myself from the crowds perspective. A lot of the people there thought I had done it deliberately, but the Queen believed that I had done it accidentally. An American man spoke out of turn at the ceremony, and the Queen said under her breathe, ‘See what I have to put up with.’ Which was nice because it felt like she saw me as an equal and not a problem like the American man. It was nice living at the palace and I think I was allowed to stay their for as long as I liked.

Phillip arrived at around 2pm. We went to Sainsburys to do some food shopping, and then to Lidls for some beer and cider for me, and some toilet rolls which are cheaper there.

Ash suggested we watch Avatar with her and her boyfriend tomorrow. And so we decided to go and see the new Queen film Bohemian Rhapsody today rather than tomorrow. The film was fantastic. I was transfixed by it and couldn’t look away. The sound was incredible. I’ve heard about the story of Queen from Phillip but didn’t really get it. The film took the story very well and I think Freddie would have loved it.

I got Queens greatest hits CDs when I was at college and listened to it a lot, so it always reminds me of that time. I made a compilation CD for my boyfriend at the time and included ‘You’re my best friend’ on it.

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Monday

Stayed awake last night because I had some heart palpitations. They are very short, but make me want to get up, so that I feel more normal. Emily called me at about 1pm and I was tired and said I wouldn’t be coming round. Called a support worker to say about last night but couldn’t get through. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Went for a walk in the park listening to Lily Alone. The narrator is an 11 year old girl who has to look after her much younger siblings when their mother goes away on holiday with a new man. My brother and I were also left alone in the house at a young age. I think I was about 8 when it first started happening, though just for a few hours until my parents came home from work, I think. It later became much more difficult. They were away for longer hours, and my brother treated me badly and I couldn’t make myself understood. I think my Mum feels that siblings fighting is natural, but she does regret leaving us on our own when we were small. But it was when we were older that it became a bigger problem for me. I’m interested in Lily’s story and like her character.

Went over to Emily’s. Sat out in the garden and smoked rollies with her. We got icecreams from the icecream van. I chose an oyster with a flake, and how I ate it amused Emily greatly.

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We sang bits of the Baby Shark song and wondered about the signs. I brought a chicken korma ready meal with me and had it at the kitchen table. Emily wanted me to eat it when they were having their chip shop chips and sausages, but put it in the microwave early, telling Gary to hurry up. I ate before them. Gary pointed out that I could always share it with the dog if I wanted to eat with someone. Which reminds me, I have a new joke from the book –

‘A man goes to a travel agent to book his summer holiday. ‘Last year you sold me a holiday to Bermuda and my wife got pregnant,’ says the man. ‘The year before it was Monte Carlo and my wife got pregnant again. And the year before it was Hong Kong and my wife got pregnant there as well.’ ‘I see,’ says the clerk ‘and what do you have in mind this year?’ ‘Somewhere cheaper,’ says the man ‘so she can come with me for a change.’

Emily, one of the sons and I found that one funny. I like how it works, because it makes you assume there is a connection that doesn’t exist. I think you could use it as an illustration of that type of joke because it’s so clear.

In the garden Emily watched the planes with utter fascination. I think she has spent so long in her room that the outside world is new to her again.

Drew for half an hour when I got in and then chatted to Phillip. He has to be up early tomorrow to get his Dad from the airport.

Here are my photos from today –

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And my drawing from this evening using the scented gel pens –

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And some a squirrel in the park –

 

 

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Sunday

My alarm woke me at 10am giving me some time to wake up before my antipsychotic jab. It was nice to see the support worker again. She was kind to me when I was delusional. There was so much going on in my mind but it was clear she was on my side. I let her in when I hadn’t let the others in. She sat crosslegged on the floor, asking if I wanted anything from the shop. I thought and asked for some bread, a pastie and a carton of ice coffee. Seems a long time ago now.

I had toast and honey for breakfast. Went for a walk around the park, listening to Lily Alone and taking photos. It was lovely and sunny today and lots of people were out walking their dogs. Went to the shop and got a bottle of coke, a sparkling strawberry drink and a Lambrini. A little black poodle jumped up at me as I was leaving the park. His owner apologised and said the dog was friendly. When I was unwell dog owners kept reassuring me that their dogs were. I must have looked nervous walking round and they assumed it was because of their dogs. I didn’t mind them thinking that. Sometimes I found it funny.

When I got in I had a tuna sandwich. Alex joined me in the kitchen and we chatted whilst he ate his noodles and sweet chilli sauce. He said he buys a lot of his clothes in Lidl and they last. He told me a story about smuggling matches under an armband. I didn’t like it but didn’t let on.

He said smoking helps him with his Restlessness. I said it’s been proven to help. Smoking is associated with lower levels of antipsychotic induced akathisia (restlessness). He told me about his family and a bit about a past relationship, whilst we smoked out in the garden. When he had finished he tipped the contents of his ashtray into the rusty barbecue, and found a Malibu coconut cup in the there. I wondered what it’s story was. His ashtray said ‘Smoking is permitted’.

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Had bacon pasta for dinner and some yoghurt and honey. Here’s my photos from today –

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Saturday

Watched Desperate Housewives last night. Victor gets washed up on the beach, alive. Pretends not to remember but remembers all. I had a feeling I was wrong about him dying. Really enjoying the series the third time round.

Watched Phillip’s favourite gig Queen at Live Aid, which was transcendentally amazing and interwoven with Phillip’s commentary of Queen Facts. I’m interested in them, but I have a feeling that if I wasn’t I would still be receiving the same information. Like the motor racing facts today for instance. He was interested in the crowd and said ‘That’s power. In a good way.’

When we woke up I looked for a film that we hadn’t watched together yet, and that was funny because he prefers funny films. I chose Risky Business. I really enjoyed it and so did Phillip. It’s so nice to be able to watch films easily without feeling Restlessness.

Then as we are both Red Dwarf fans, we watched some together for the first time, which was nice. Phillip is grossed out by Lister’s antics. I just remember having a schoolgirl crush on him and idealising him no matter what he did. I think Phillips response is more what the writer was going for. I used to imagine having curry for breakfast with him and having a wonderful time. I later learned that Craig Charles (Lister) is a poet and I felt ‘Ah, that explains it.’ Though I never normally think in such a simplistic way. I’ve never read his poems for some reason. Lister is a poet in disguise, though maybe being a poet is always a disguise in one way or another.

After laying in bed all day Phillip wanted a chip butty. So I used the oven today for the first time in a long time. Made a salad too and we watched some motor racing whilst we ate. I was thinking it was bad that he didn’t check that that was okay, and as the thought occurred to me he said ‘You don’t mind that we are watching this, do you?’. So I said it was okay. The boredom of it let my mind wander and I didn’t mind at all really. Just wanted him to acknowledge that it wasn’t my thing and he did. Watched a little more Red Dwarf and then it was time for him to go home.

I didn’t take any photos today so here is a photo of my curtains –

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When I was delusional I thought they had been designed especially for me. In the curtains I saw many things including the book cover of The Beach by Alex Garland.

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I saw many things including the slats of a bunk bed I had as a child, chips, and film tape. I had the idea that it meant ‘cutting the film’ somewhere in the novel so that the novel’s tragic ending wouldn’t be reached. I felt it represented war. In details I saw a lion and a snake. When I started hallucinating I saw many things as if projected onto the curtains and the waves I saw appeared to be moving.

I felt that even if the world was really heading toward an awful future, a small island might be preserved where people could live a better life and be creative. I felt that good people in power had diminishing hope, but didn’t want me to be the same way. They wanted me to imagine a society on an island, and my belief in that place would be linked to Alex Garland’s novel. It was a distant and dreamlike delusion.

A few times I have thought it would be nice to have different curtains now. It’s not important to me though.

 

 

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Friday

Woke up had some toast and honey and a cuppa tea. Checked my phone and went back to bed feeling cosy. Fell back to sleep for a while, when I woke I wanted to watch a film. Ash lent me Avatar, but after a quick search it dawned on me I gave it back to her before I watched it.

I decided to watch Tim Minchin’s Ready For This. Phillip gave it 5 minutes before putting his headphones back on. I really enjoyed it though I didn’t laugh. My brother has memorised and sings some of the songs. He prides himself in being able to sing the fast bits. ‘If I didn’t have you’ and ‘Canvas bags’ especially remind me of him. He once got his Kindle signed by Tim Minchin and there’s a photo of them grinning together. Realised I’ve been mispronouncing his name as Mitchin probably because Mitch sounds like a comedian because of David Mitchell.

I remember thinking I enjoy it more musically than I find it funny. I guess that’s still true, but I still find him very funny. I think I was thinking of Shelter From The Storm yesterday because the Storm story on the DVD was in the back of my mind. I was getting ready for it! Completely forgot that there’s a surprise dancing bear with my name.

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Went for a walk and took some photos. Phillip didn’t want to walk and Alex wasn’t in. I always knock on his door but he always seems to be out. Did some more food shopping, which I probably didn’t need to do, but it made my day seem a bit more purposeful.

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Listened to Lily Alone which is really good. It’s nice to listen an audiobook by an author I’m very familiar with. I thought the, oh. Okay I was just going to say I thought the reader had a real respect for Jacqueline Wilson’s style. Checked the box to name the reader and… it’s the lady herself! Well, you can see what I’m saying is true. She had great insight!

Phillip has been watching films today. He wanted to go out to Costa’s (strawberry frappe), KFC (Twister) and Tescos (icecream for the strawberrys I got). I went along too for the drive. Stayed in the car listening to Heart. The reception got better as we went over the hill. Ash might be back because her window is open. Had the strawberries with icecream, yoghurt and sugar. I have that for dessert at my parents and it was nice.

Phillips been telling me about glandular fever which he had in his early twenties and has just started watching another film. Think I’ll watch Desperate Housewives. Gabby has just knocked Victor overboard for the second and fatal time.

Here are my photos from my walk –

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