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Sunday

Woke up when Emily called, but I was too sleepy to answer. Any who it got me up at a more reasonable time. Set out to the shop again and took photos on the way back.

Then I went to Emily’s. She asked me to bring A Little Princess to watch. I borrowed it from my mum and haven’t seen it yet. The Ladybird book of the story was my favourite Ladybird book. Emily said it’s a good film but when I got there she wanted to watch Girl’s Trip. So that’s what we watched. Had a can of Fanta and an apple. Emily thinks orange Fanta is disgusting. She has bad period pain at the moment and the film cheered her up.

A while back I did a horse paint by numbers for her. It looks nice on the wall of her new room, a bit like it’s looking out of a stable door.

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Before the film the family were working out how to play Cluedo. The children sang George Ezra’s Shotgun along to the radio, and considered the different weapons in Cluedo. I wondered about how my time at school might have been different if I had been into music that other people were into. I used to listen with disdain to my peers talking about music. Emily can’t read much and I think it’s quite alienating when people are playing a board game together and she knows she can’t play. It was nice to see her. I’ve promised I’ll stay over when Annie goes on holiday soon.

Back at home I did some drawing for an hour and a half, which was fun. Here are the photos I took on the way back from the shop –

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Here’s the drawing I did this evening –

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Saturday

Marmalade on toast for breakfast. Support staff Gemma came round in the morning. We decided to go out for a walk around the park so we could talk without the constant beeping of the door alarm. She wanted to talk about school trends because she is the same age as me. Yes, I did do the three layered scrunchies thing, a few years after everyone else, but I got there.

Spent just over an hour drawing in the morning and again felt better for it. Feels like I’m starting to settle into a routine of drawing a little bit each day.

Then as normal, I thought about making a Youtube video. After listening to Death Of An Interior Decorator by Death Cab For Cutie, I remembered that I was thinking about using images from the Terrible Estate Agent Photography thread on Urban75. I thought maybe the lyrics ‘Can you tell me why you have been so sad.’ would be interesting at least with it.

I collected up the photos, and it didn’t work so I tried different songs with them including Everything In It’s Right Place by Radiohead. I made it rainbowed but it still didn’t work. The problem was I really wanted something to create a nice tension with the offensive graffiti. Tried House Of Fun by Madness and it took to it. Yey! A lot of the photos have bright colours which looks cool with the rainbow filter. Here’s the video –

I watched through some videos I’ve made recently on the TV. Then I bought Trainspotting 2 which I’ve been wanting to watch since it came out over a year ago. I normally avoid buying new films, but I needed to watch it. I had already asked Philip if he wanted to see it, but he didn’t like the first one. My brother saw it and just said it made him feel old, which was a disappointing review from the person who showed me the first one. He watched it alone like me because it’s not Adleen’s ‘cup of tea’ and ‘she likes nice things.’

So anyway the months have rolled by and I hadn’t seen it yet. I loved it! I haven’t laughed like that in years. It was brilliant! I don’t know what took me so long, but then again I’m glad I didn’t watch it when I was delusional. It was the right time.

 

 

 

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Friday

Last of the peanut butter on toast for breakfast. Mum sent me a video of a man walking about in Van Gogh’s paintings. I had seen it, or something like it before and enjoyed it anyhow. Drew for an hour in the morning, using my new Iphone for reference. Felt better for it.

Philip called, upset because his gran is at the end of her life. He is with her with his mum, and staying over there tonight. He might postpone his operation if she passes away soon. Well loved lady, whose husband used to have a sweet shop.

I needed to stretch my legs so started walking round the park whilst he was on the phone, then switched to my Lion Boy Playaway. Took photos whilst listening to it too. Went to a different shop to normal and got a few bits. Cashier struggled to communicate with me because I was still listening to the story. I’m on chapter 7 now, and I’m pleased to report I’m starting to get into it.

The story is about animals in a circus which is a weird one for me. When I was at school I got people to sign petitions to try to get it banned. An animal charity sent me upsetting post and my mum got upset that I was upset by it.

At one stage I did question performing animals in drawings, but decided I didn’t think it was bad. It helped me to separate the world of drawings to real life. Horses and dogs are okay I think, but I don’t think other animals are suited to circus life. Deciding that helped me find a sense of self.

They never did ban it in the UK, but it is banned in 19 countries. It didn’t conflict with my foxhunting beliefs at school because I just learnt that horses and dogs cope well with things other animals can’t. And I always knew they were special!

Mum thought I would separate cartoon foxes with real ones, but I didn’t do that like she did. I was always interested in the spirit of the animal. I found clarity in the circus animal debate. The two debates were divided and linked in my mind. I felt better about myself caring about circus animals. I enjoyed a dog circus in Normandy, but felt bad for their travelling goat.

Here are some of my photos from today –

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Made a video of Polly Pockets with Melody Gardot’s Iemanja. I liked seeing how automatic pan and zoom copes with photo details. And seeing all the Polly Pockets. Starting a year at infant school the first thing I wanted to see was everybody’s Polly Pockets in the playground.

Also this evening I watched the Panorama Kids In Crisis about children’s mental health. The kids are often only being seen when they have very serious problems and are then much more difficult to treat. It was interesting. I’m glad I watched it. I hope the situation improves. It’s sad when good staff don’t want to work anymore. The system doesn’t allow them to look after the kids as much as they think they need.

It made me think anyway. I’ll try to watch more documentaries, now my laptop is up and running again.

On Monday I might be visiting Ben, a housemate who moved out, with Ash, a new housemate. They got to know each other when he popped back to see how different his, now her, bedroom looked.

I didn’t think I would have anything much to blog about when I started this. I’m starting to be more aware that every day is different and will contain things I can write about. I like it.

 

 

 

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Thursday

Toast and marmalade for breakfast today. Then I went to the shop to get baccy and got some raspberries too. Took photos on the walk again.

Today I’ve been making a video for We Were Giants by Stornoway and have dared to put it up on Youtube under that name. I really don’t want my account closed, but I also want people to be able to find it. It’s only the extremely popular songs I’ve uploaded that get blocked so I risked it.

It was fun to make. I once saw them live in London before they were very well known, with my ex Jon. He used to sing their songs beautifully and told me that the singer has a PhD in zoology, specializing in birds. I once took a careers test that told me I might make a good zoologist. Here’s the video.

There was a really pink sunset this evening and I went out to try to photograph it. Philip called to tell me medical details and said he would call back later once I found the bit of sky I wanted. Those photos didn’t come out very well though.

When Photoscaping my photos I found a heart on the underside of a leaf.

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Some others from today –

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Whilst making the video a search for ‘knitwear, models, couple, photography’ found me this cool photo.

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Found the Fanta. They weren’t stolen after all. Philip had put them in the floor cupboard where our thief is less likely to find them. I should have thought of that!

I named a farm kitten Fanta once. I didn’t have fizzy drinks often and it was fun calling the orange kitten Fanta. She suited the name well, and I liked how the word began to mostly mean her to me.

Once in Italy I was corrected by a waiter on the pronunciation of an ice cream. It was Fanta ZEE Ah! I was a bit taken a back, but loved it. A new dimension of the word Fanta.

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Wednesday

The door alarm has been bleeping all day and all of the night. It didn’t bother me too much, I like staying awake late anyway and I got to sleep eventually. I woke up wondering if the bleeping was still continuing and found it was. Someone probably got frustrated with it and kicked it and now no one can stop it beeping, yet. Support staff were round in the morning, investigating the problem.

I mentioned my cans, 4 of Fanta recently, that were taken from my fridge. The way I begin my sentence sounded like I had been drinking. They found it funny. Holding my crumpets and coffee, announcing ‘I’ve had a lot of cans…’. They wanted to know who I thought the suspect was so I named her. I think it’s her because shes the only one who would nick my Kinder Eggs and leave the toys on top of my fridge. My boyfriend had so many of his special rhubarb drinks taken that he has given up and just drinks Evian. He doesn’t like tap water.

I had an urge to make a video again and chose the suggestion of Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks with the Thames flowing through it. The video was taken down off Youtube immediately, so I changed it and used a different song and didn’t name the song. The song I chose was Time As A Symptom by Joanna Newson. After choosing it I realised the song mentions rivers, and it’s nice to think of that being stored in my memory without me realising it.

I cancelled going to my boyfriend’s Mum’s birthday. It wasn’t a problem at all, and I feel happier knowing I have more time to myself. I don’t have make myself look restaurant presentable which at the moment is a challenge. I’m often wearing the hoody Emily gave me because it’s too small for her now. Her ex gave it to her when they were going out again. It’s green and says ‘I’m totally over it’. I like it.

Walked to the shop, taking photos on my way. Got some Jamaican ginger cake, fruit, fudge milkshake and beer. Here are some of the photos I took on the way to the shop –

 

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Sue is in Cornwall at Ruth’s and I chatted to her today. Ruth sent me some photos of me when I was little in Cornwall. Here I am with one of her lurchers back then.

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That’s about all for today!

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Tuesday

My boyfriend was here in the morning. We went into town and I popped into the library. I found an audiobook of Lion Boy by Zizou Corder about a boy who can speak Cat after being scratched by a lion cub as a little boy. Sounds interesting. It’s on a Playaway device, and after much discussion the ladies in the library let me know what batteries it takes. They couldn’t find the information anywhere, but my boyfriend spotted it later on the black plastic inside the battery compartment. We both got strawberries and cream drinks from Costa, and went to Iceland where I picked up a few readymeals. Then he headed back to Basingstoke.

I’ve said I will stay at his parents house this weekend, and go out for a meal for his Mum’s birthday. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that. Being at his parents house reminds me of when I was living with my parents a year ago and how difficult that was. His room is small, and I like having my stuff around me. He says I can bring my laptop and put it on the table downstairs. Hmmm. Maybe it’s just a case of getting used to it.

As soon as he got home he called me to tell me he might be getting circumcised because of his problem and to ask my opinion about it. I cannot have an opinion about it because he will just do as I say, and it’s his body. I don’t want to feel responsible for his decision. He is going to talk to his mum about it now.

I made a video for A Walk Through The Woods by Rudyard Kipling, which was fun. The boyfriend is quite interested in making a video of all the local war memorials. So at some point we will go on a tour of them. I would chose Brothers In Arms by the Dire Straits, but I think he wants Imagine by John Lennon. I find it interesting that he is a Christian who loves that song. He imagines his heaven and hell, but very much enjoys the song that suggests he doesn’t. What does that feel like?

Went for a walk round the park listening to Lion Boy. I find it difficult to remain focused on the story, but it’s nice anyway. I’ve started doing Headspace meditations for focus. I don’t like the way it is suggested that thoughts are like cars and the trick is not to run into the traffic and chase them. What about all the people who want to meditate who have known someone to literally do something like that. Not very relaxing. So I’ve lost some respect for the voice I meditate too. It sounds like they chose someone really friendly and not intimidating at all, which ought to be fine, but I feel that they played it safe. I would say the mediation is a little boring, but effective. But then breathing works on its own.

Following a suggestion on Urban75 I tried making a video of Theresa Mays dancing, to The Prodigy. It was fun to do. I saved it before my computer crashed. I think it’s the kind of idea that could be done really well. Anyway I had a bash at it. Edited to add, Youtube took the video down. I knew it would happen eventually!

If I keeps making videos everyday I think I’ll see them improving. Still sussing out the software and what I can get away with before the machine crashes.

I’m doing so much better than I was when I was unwell. It’s a massive relief to find things to fill my day, and not be stuck, bored and restless, watching the hours going by. I’m back to my old self again. I’ve had a very difficult year, but I’ve got my feet on the ground again and I’m enjoying life. Hopefully this blog will be a place where I can be really honest with myself, and that will help me find my way now that I’m well again.

Really looking forward to my parents being back from France in a few days, but shortly afterwards I’ll be in Basingstoke. It feels a bit odd because they will be going back to Australia really soon, but I guess there will be plenty of time to catch up with them when they are back. I’ll try to blog again tomorrow. I sort of wonder when I’m going to want to read all of this again, but I felt like that when I made my first blog in 2004, and it is fascinating for me to read back on now. I remember reasoning that it was worth doing anyway just as a reflection on the day, and I think I can still reason that. Hmm!